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boner. [Dec. 12th, 2008|03:17 pm]
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boner.
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2007|05:28 pm]
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so, things have been really shitty lately, like usual. but for a lot of reasons. and i'm just so frustrated with everything, that i want a new life. hopefully, things will be like new after a while. things will be different after this week is over. better? i'm not so sure, but different. once this week is over, i won't have to worry too much about school, at least not doing papers and studying for finals and all that shit. but i don't know if i'm going to have a permanent home for while. i'll probably bounce back and forth from my mom's and dad's houses for a little bit while i work out my time at the walmart in oshkosh and then transfer to either sheboygan or milwaukee depending on whether or not glenn and bill can find a place for us to live soon enough. either way, i'll be happy just for it to be summer. i almost want to live in sheboygan, which is ridiculous because i hate sheboygan. but it'll be kind of like going back in time, which is what i've been wanting to do. i need to take a step back and kind of re-examine a lot of things anyways. i'll be in milwaukee sometime though, i've already put the transfer through for school. so maybe it won't be until the end of summer. i don't know exactly when. but i'll be excited to live in a new city with new opportunities and plenty of new people. a big part of me wants to leave all the baggage i've been carrying around for while behind in oshkosh and just start out new. but going to sheboygan wouldn't really be a new start, just a pause on things. going to milwaukee would be pretty much a new start, but i think i'd rely too much on the few friends i have there to get by. really, i just want to meet a lot of new people. i don't need new best friends or anything, i just want to get to know new people. i want things to be fresh and new. i'm sick of all the old frustrations and old problems biting at me and keeping me stuck in the past. it's gotten so fucking old, i want to be done with it. so here's to looking forward, or maybe to looking elsewhere.

to continue with the last few entries i had written, i've been constantly connecting with music in this shitty times. it always seems to be in those times that you really start to hear what the words to songs really mean. or when you start to notice lines you never really picked up on and never really meant much to you, until now. because they are telling you what your life is like. it's a real special thing. like when i put in "Background Music" by American Nightmare (Give Up the Ghost), and i hadn't listened to it in a while. then after listening to it and remembered how much i always loved Wes Eisold's bleak and desperate lyrics. they were always one of the main things i loved about the band, and that record in particular. i must've listened to that cd close to 20 times the past two weeks. it even got to the point where glenn would start putting it in on his own after hearing it around me so much. songs like "There's a Black Hole in the Shadow of Pru" and "AM/PM" were always ones that i would scream along to as hard as i could. but the one that i wanted to post is the ending track to the cd.


Whatever this becomes,
Whatever words I say, we are the fortunate ones,
And when the days are done I won't forget.
All I see in you and me,
is a light in the dark of humanity.
And when the days are done, I won't forget.

Timid steps, come walk with me, yeah.
And with your useless words, come talk to me.
There are broken hearts now on your stereo,
but the broken beats are just too slow.
You'll cry, it doesn't change a thing.

Kill the lights and let the rain fall.
Recall the memories of yesterdays and better ways
And know the innocence is gone, move on.
From this day on we'll never be the same.

The saddest songs make sense to me, yeah,
so with your sunken eyes come look for me.
2 hour drives are 2 hours alone
but 2 hour drives are better than home
You'll die, it doesn't change a thing.

You will
Kill the lights and let the rain fall.
Recall the memories of yesterdays and better ways
And know the innocence is gone, move on.
From this day on we'll never be the same.

Faster words and faster kids
Faster songs and faster ends
the one thing that's stayed the same.
I've lived through days
And I've lived through nights
I've had my loves
and I've had my fights.
You've got to know, you have my heart.

Faster words and faster kids
Faster songs and faster ends
the one thing that's stayed the same.
I've lived through days
I've lived through nights
I've had my loves
I've had my fights.
You've got to know (you've got to know), you have my heart.

"Farewell" by American Nightmare

i find hope in it though. it's definitely more hopeful than the two songs i first mentioned. it at least makes me feel like even though you won't ever be the same after going through such major shit in life, there's still life to be lived. maybe the song doesn't flat out say it, but when i sing along, just shredding my throat because i'm screaming so hard, i feel better after it's over. anyways, it's a cd i'll be listening to when i'm 50 and i'll hopefully still be screaming along.

next, i've been listening to Facing New York a lot. there a band that's really grown on me a lot over the past year. i liked them a lot initially, then listened to them in streaks here and there. but lately i've just be stuck on this one song off their "Swimming, Not Treading" EP. i've listened to this song once before i went to bed last night and again this morning, plus a few more times in the past week. and today, i just wrote the chorus over and over on a piece of paper in one of my classes. here it is.


Burning down the house again
burning in the autumn wind
aint that comical, sympathetic, beautiful

watch the roof become a blade
caving in on what i made
its just so logical, tragic, magic, pitiful

tell everyone that you know
that i wont be coming around no more
tell everyone i'll be fine
but i had to get out of here sometime

sinking on a crowded ship
reaching out to next of kin
call me cynical but i'd rather die alone

when the water reached the deck
i had lost my self-respect
don't get personal, apathetic, critical

mourning what has come and gone
is healthy only for so long
call me terrible but i'm trying to move on

use what's left of love to give
find another life to live
overcome the pain and become the razor blade

"Tell Everyone" by Facing New York

i feel like it really describes how i've been feeling. the self-destructive behavior, trying to get past it all. hopefully, i won't have to disappear completely, but i feel like i need to just be away from a lot of people and places for a while. i could tell glenn was really liking this song too. it was fun having him stay with me the past week and a half. i'm really looking forward to living together for real. he's one of few people i know who loves me for me. i know that sounds gay, hell, i wish we were gay together, it would make things a lot easier. unfortunately, i don't think either of us could give it an honest try. haha. but seriously, even if i don't always make the right choices, i know he'll always stick with me. he'll always have my back, and i'll always try to watch his. and keep it out of trouble. having him around and being there when i was going through some shitty times really proved that. so hopefully we do get to live together in milwaukee. i wouldn't want it any other way.

i've got a few more days to really grind things out. hopefully there's enough of me left after it all to be able to enjoy some free time and relax a little. get my head straight. yeah, once i'm gone, it'll start to get better.
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doing better [Apr. 19th, 2007|02:20 pm]
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[Current Music |Jimmy Eat World - "Kill" and "The World You Love"]

so, that last entry was pretty dramatic. i was a little drunk and very lonely, so pouring my heart out wasn't very hard. but i'm doing a lot better lately. it was rough for a while. really rough. but i've been feeling much better, much more of the time. i don't feel so hopeless, i don't get up wishing i was dead. hell, i can even listen to certain songs that a few weeks ago would've made me break down into tears, and sing along as loud and hard as i want without my eyes welling up. that's nice. for a while i was listening to Futures by Jimmy Eat World every day. i don't know why i picked that one, probably because i never really listened to it until i was dating Angela. but once i started listening to it a bunch, there was at least one line (if not many) from every song that, if i was in a sad enough mood, i wouldn't be able to sing along to with crying. it's pretty lame, i know. for a long time i didn't cry at all, even when i wanted to, but this whole ordeal has softened me up a lot. like bread dough, mmm. but when i started listening to the cd over and over, i felt like it perfectly captured how i was feeling. like the whole disc was about love lost, hoping for it to return, knowing that it really is the end, trying to accept it but not always wanting to. maybe i'm just projecting, but i'm just going to continue to cling to these ideas and make it my own. two songs in particular were in constant play in my stereo, in my car, and in my head.


Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel

You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

"Kill"



I got a story it's almost finished
all i need is someone to tell it too
maybe, that's you.

our time is borrowed and spent to freely
every minute i have needs to be made up
but how?
i'm looking for a nice way to say
"i'm out."
i want out.

i fall asleep with my friends around me
only place i know, i feel safe
i'm gonna call this home

the open road is still miles away
Hey nothing serious
we still have our fun
oh we had it once

Windows open and close
that's just how it goes

don't it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are

i'm in love with the ordinary
i need a simple space
and rest my head
everything gets clear
well i'm a little ashamed for asking
but just a little helps
it gets me straight again
helps me get over it

it might seem like a dream
but it's real to me

don't it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are

you should see the canals are freezing
you should see me high
you should just be here
be with me here
it doesn't seem theres hope for me
i let you down
but i won't give in now
not for any amount


don't it feel like sunshine afterall
the world we love forever, gone
we're only just as happy
as everyone else seems to think we are


"The World You Love"


the bold lines are the ones that would always get me. but now when i sing along, i just sing loud and hard and i don't let it get me. things still aren't perfect underneath it all, but i'm doing a lot better. and that's really a big step forward. hopefully, i keep it up. i'm not out of it completely just yet, it'll still be a long time before i am. but i'm starting to stand on my own and not think so much about the things i know i can't have, all the things i had. i'm going to start thinking more about what is ahead. and if my future is as nice as the weather today, then i'll be doing great in no time.

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a year in a life, a life in a year. [Apr. 8th, 2007|03:44 am]
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so, it's been almost a year since i've posted anything on here. i don't really know why i am now. boredom, loneliness, attention. something to keep me from thinking of this over and over and telling myself to just keep it inside. i wish i could go back to the time of my last post. i was so happy then. more happy than i've been in a long time. tomorrow, easter, a day for families and religion and bunnies and eggs. bunnies and eggs are the most i can hope for. i'll be sitting here all day, doing laundry, doing nothing. sulking, sitting, feeling like shit most likely. i'll probably wake up the same way i have for the past few weeks. wishing that i hadn't woken up, feeling terrible in every way. i won't want to get up, i won't want to eat, i won't want to live. but i know i should want it all. i was almost shocked when i checked my weight the other night, i lost over 10 lbs. mostly because every day when i get up, all i feel like doing is dying. i've thrown up for no reason a few days, probably all nerves and being so worked up all the time. not being able to control my mind and it taking hold of my body. it's almost funny. in a sickly desperate sort of way, i have to laugh at myself. this is what i get. this is what i deserve, i guess. take everything you had for granted, lose it all, want it back, and it's so far away that there's nothing you can do about it. and want it back more than you want anything. more than you want to live. wake up every day without it, knowing you'll never have it again. think of nothing else. torture yourself to the point where you're physically effected. then you and i can go out to lunch and not eat. or just force some food into our faces and hope we don't have to throw it up. or just get drunk and hope to have a fun time, but it's all just amplified and any fun is hard to find underneath such an all-encompassing cloak of sadness. fuck. if i didn't think this would all go away, that i'll be ok someday, that i'll hopefully find someone or something to distract me from it all, i'd want nothing more than to end it all. no, i wouldn't do that. not with the thought that there's still so much i have yet to achieve, and i know i can at least touch some of my dreams, if not realize them completely and then realize nothing i want is really what i want. not with the thought that there's going to be a time when i look back on entries like this and think, "oh my god, what a fucking loser. was i really that desperate for attention, really that lonely, really that..." whatever else you want to say, i'll say it myself someday. either way, this is all just for the sake of going to bed with some small bit of peace. not much, but something to help me sleep and maybe wake up feeling like the day isn't going to be a complete waste of life. like every day seems to be. seems to be, not always is. here's a few songs (or portions of) that have been in constant rotation in my mind as of late. songs that should probably be replaced in my mind by songs that don't make me want to curl up in ball and pull the covers over my head until the world ends.

"i want to see you here with me
and i want to tell you what you mean to me
but i'll save this, i'll save my breath this time
i think it's almost useless
we both know, we both saw the signs
still i am ASKING WHY

i think i'm falling
i think i'm falling inside
so is this story over or has it just begun
you can only wonder and we can only wonder
these days have been too much
i hate being stuck in the inbetween

means to an end
me taking your hand and moving us ahead
i wish that it could last cuz i still feel OUR PAST
will we ever feel this way again
means to and end

close my eyes and i'll be dreaming away
if things were different i'd be able to say
i'm still here RE-THINKING MY DECISIONS
our distance, separation
but i'm still here "

OUR DISTANCE by Comeback Kid



"These break-up songs make sense again
And i really wish they didn't.
Sinatra's singing summer wind
And i'm thinking of the night we met.

Just one last time
Can i hear you say?
"You're my little boy
I never want you to go away"

Where are you?
Please believe in me.
I'm not hanging up the phone
'til i hear you say,

"I love you.
I need you near."
Just give me one last chance
And i'll never let you down again.

Oh and what i wouldn't give
Just to kiss your lips again
To hold your hand next to my heart
And wake up with you in our apartment.

Just one last time
Can i call you my sweetheart?
My best friend
Why do all good things come to an end.

Where are you?
Please believe in me.
I'm not hanging up the phone
'til i hear you say,

"I love you.
I need you near."
Just give me one last chance
And i'll never let you down again."

SUMMER WIND WAS ALWAYS OUR SONG by The Ataris


Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, 
thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could lose you again.

YOUR HOUSE by Jimmy Eat World


All I want is the best for myself. 
Triumph over tragedy. 
The overwhelming power of death is there just to inspire. 
Translation, life is different ways of not dying. 
My Relationship with reality, it comes and goes. 
We rarely see eye to eye. 
She's disappointed when I try, and upset when I don't. 
Her smell lingers in my sheets, and in my shirts. 
It teases my memories, from time to time. 
And from time to time, I cradle desire into slumbering fantasies.

TRIUMPH AND TRAGEDY by Grade



I'll look out for you 'til I die, 'til I rot.
I'll remember you 'til I die, until I rot.

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PLANS by Say Anything


i guess that's all for now. just a few songs/lines that have really hit home. maybe i'll start writing in here more often. even if no one reads or acknowledges it, it's slightly cathartic. i'm able to say things i don't feel completely comfortable bringing up in conversation. am i really supposed to sing all those songs to someone? i guess i could and would if it would get me anywhere closer to where i'd like to be. but there's not much hope for that. i can just hope that tomorrow goes well, and each day gets a little better than the last. until one day i wake up and feel like living. i don't think i'll have to wait the rest of my life for that. but for now, i'll just keep dragging my feet until i feel like standing up straight and being human again. happy easter.
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hello live journal community, this isn't really happening. [May. 8th, 2006|03:33 pm]
bottomzer0ofan8
hey there. i'm gonna eat you. i'm gonna eat that hairy leg. i'm gonna eat both of them. i can see up your shorts. well, i did eat a chubby kid on a raft earlier. but i've been swimming around a lot so it's ok. yummy.

-Jaws


bleh.
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the recording of words and why it can at times come in handy or come back to haunt you, respectively [Aug. 5th, 2005|02:03 am]
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ah, a document that would have otherwise been lost had i not originally typed it in my journal was just recently retrieved. it will be put to good use. partially revised. put to verse. title changed. soon to be a new song. good thing back entries are saved. hooray for the internet! one time it actually makes me happy. though it was pissing me off right before. or maybe it's just my computer. it seems to be allergic to myspace. i can't sign in without getting kicked off. so i have yet to read a few comments and check up on friend requests. which isn't so easy, because i always view peoples' profiles before accepting or denying them. really all it takes though is having a decent music section and a somewhat entertaining page. either way, the internet redeemed itself for a moment when i got my words back. i'm sure it'll go back on my "things the world largely relies on that i will someday completely destroy" list. i actually don't have one, i'm not the Unabomber. though he is one of my heroes. i would have one if i wasn't a part of the world that relies on things like the internet and television. anyways, i already wrote more than i wanted to. i just felt like writing in here because, what the hell else do i have to do besides go to bed. yep, that's all. bye.
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are you there satan? it's me...joel. [Jul. 20th, 2005|11:21 am]
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so hey. i'll update cuz i can. anyways, the show this past friday went pretty well i guess. the sound was terrible and we all made mistakes, but we still won. but two bands dropped out, so it was really only us and one other band. not much of a battle. either way, it was worth playing. i joined the band at a good time. everything is changing and getting really serious. we're writing all new songs, recording in august, making a demo, hopefully shirts, and then playing some real shows. but this won't all happen for a little while yet. but in the coming months, we'll keep busy. i'm so glad i can be a part of it. this is what i want. my mind has been tossed around quite a bit in the past weeks though. i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to school next year. i don't have the money, i don't have the ambition or direction. so there's no point in it for me at this time in my life. i'm just going to start working more i guess, and saving up money. also, now that i'm going to be 18 real soon, i'm going to try to get my license. and if i do that, i might just want to move out. but i can't afford that. at least not on my own. if i had a roommate, then maybe i could afford it. but there's really no one i know who lives on their own or anyone who'd move out. because everyone is going to school next year. so i don't know if moving out would be possible for another year. but i want to get away from my family so bad. i'm gonna be 18 and i can't be out past midnight?! yeah. plus, i've been wanting to get away from my step-mom since i was a little kid. i only dreamed of being 18 and moving out. so, i don't know. i don't know how things are really going to go from here. i'm not going to stress about it. i'm just going to enjoy things right now. because that's how i do. smooooooth sailin. yum.
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ha ha ha ha haha...like the fucking snow veil, yeah, you don't know [Jul. 9th, 2005|01:42 am]
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sidenote: not to sound arrogant, but my journal titles are really funny, or at least pretty amusing i think. i was just looking back on all of the titles and just laughing or thinking "i should write that one down". i didn't look at the entries though, because i'd really rather not remember a lot of them. but the titles are fun.
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as far as baseball and christmas ghosts go, i'd probably jump the gun and buy the bullets first [Jul. 9th, 2005|01:25 am]
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so i haven't posted in quite a long time. i wasn't even planning on posting ever again really. but i guess i will because there's news worth posting. i've recently been asked to join Cadaver Into Man (formerly Wichita Horror). it's a big deal to me. i'm going to the be new singer (screamer actually), steve is going to play guitar now. like i said, this is a big deal to me. it's one of the things i've wanted since i was a little kid. i'm finally part of a serious band that probably isn't going to break up in a couple weeks, like every other band i've been in. in fact, i'm already playing my first show with the band this friday. friday, July 15th at the boys and girls club, right here in sheboygan. ok, not a big start, but it's a start. a comfortable start i hope. it's a battle of the bands kinda thing, i believe? either way, the guys won it last year, and hopefully we can do the same, or i'll feel like a loser. obviously, cuz we'll have lost. but anyways, that's really the only thing i wanted to post, because again, it's a big deal to me.
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pretty much one of the best moments in jackson history [Apr. 13th, 2005|05:25 pm]
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so i was bored and i wanted to change my user picture on here. and i was gonna make it a stupid picture of myself, until i saw that i still had this awesome picture of michael jackson dangling his baby off a balcony. and i just laughed and said to myself, "much better." it's funny, cuz this was my original picture when i started this journal. i don't know why i ever changed it?!
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